"If I don't want to wash a fence, I can't think about how to wash the fence. I go into complete lockup. I ask the question, "how do I wash the fence?" and the answer will not come to me.
I can't get to "first I need a bucket and water." "
This is so true! I'm ADHD, diagnosed and tried medications for a while, they helped, but had other issues so I stopped. What really helped was the realization that there are tasks where I can't even begin. I then gradually trained myself to think about the first thing and just focus on that. Don't feel like getting up from bed? Thing about moving my hand, then make it move the covers off, then move my legs and so on. Soon the momentum develops and I find it easier to do whatever I didn't feel like doing. Now my default is to just think about the very first thing and take it from there. It took me a while but has worked wonders for me.
I find the problem with this feature of ADHD is that it often happens in social situations which is problematic. I can gradually ease myself over the hump of "what comes first?" in private and with some time, but if someone asks me something and the subject is completely irrelevant to where my attention is, I'll draw a blank for so long that it can appear rude. I'm not being rude though; the context switch is almost like hitting restart on my brain.
An example might be if my ex would ask me where we should eat dinner. Maybe I'm actually hungry at the moment, but I really don't know how to go about solving the problem of where to eat. My brain won't go there. I have an internal urgency to solve this because I know my ex will be annoyed if I don't have ideas, but my brain is completely blank. I fumble around with the same 2 or 3 bad ideas after 30 seconds or so, both struggling to rationalize them as choices and thinking of more places.
Soon my ex decides I don't have ideas because I'm either not hungry (which means I'm selfish because I should at least care to help her with ideas!), or I don't want to go out with her (if I wanted to I'd think of something - anything!).
I find similar mechanics in a lot of relationships, and it's never that I'm actually being selfish or even uninterested. My brain just goes blank.
I can't get to "first I need a bucket and water." "
This is so true! I'm ADHD, diagnosed and tried medications for a while, they helped, but had other issues so I stopped. What really helped was the realization that there are tasks where I can't even begin. I then gradually trained myself to think about the first thing and just focus on that. Don't feel like getting up from bed? Thing about moving my hand, then make it move the covers off, then move my legs and so on. Soon the momentum develops and I find it easier to do whatever I didn't feel like doing. Now my default is to just think about the very first thing and take it from there. It took me a while but has worked wonders for me.