When my father was in declining health, his brother came to our home and started shouting at us about his medical treatment and overall decline.
He passed less than three months later, but none of us have forgiven or forgotten, and will never see him again.
Another uncle, who was a major league a-hole heard about father's decline, and studiously avoided visiting us while he was ill. Another one I will never speak to again.
The reactions to my mothers death were similar if less extreme. I was struck how few of the stream of visitors helped alleviate pain and how many simply made it worse.
Some of the well wishers would want an explanation for her passing, others wanted assurances that we would be okay, others studiously avoided us, others would unleash a torrent of grief and we’d end up comforting them.
I realized that in most cases these seemingly bizarre reactions were peoples attempts to manage their own emotions. Those looking for an explanation were mostly needing assurance that it could happen to them. Those wanting us to tell them we’d be okay that we’d be okay we’re looking to manage the pain they were feeling due to empathy.
I also realize that my community didn’t really know how to comfort someone in their grief or pain. They simply lacked the ability to emotionally regulate themselves enough to support someone in their grief. These were all good people but somehow most lacked the ability to feel empathy, feel the grief and pain while also being able regulate their own emotions enough to simply stand with the person going through it. It seems that this is a rare skill as valuable as gold.
Maybe it is because death these days is a rare event and our immense privilege means that we don’t learn those skills while we’re are young and when we’re older there is nobody left to model it for us. Maybe our natural wiring for empathy and mirroring others emotions isn’t the panacea that we’ve been told it is and people need to learn other skills, compassion maybe? I simply don’t know.
"Ring theory"[0] was one of the most important things anyone shared with me when my sister died.
Tl;dr: Whoever was the closest to the deceased is in the innermost ring, perhaps a spouse, a parent, close siblings (in my case, my sister's husband).
The next ring is the people next-closest, in this case, my mom.
The next ring includes the next-closest people, like me, my brother, my dad, etc. And the rings keep going outward.
Here's the rule: You can dump absolutely any pain, need, or struggle you have on anyone who's in a farther/larger ring than you are. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE are you allowed to dump anything on anyone in a closer ring. Support works one way in the ring. The outer layers support the inner ones. ONLY.
Very early on, I relayed this to one of my sister and brother-in-law's friends and asked him to make sure anybody who wanted to connect with us understood. He did it masterfully, and I recommend tucking this theory in the back of your mind somewhere for when you need it.
You're welcome to try having as much consideration as you can.
This is written for people in a catastrophic/traumatic grief scenario, and pretty accurately accounts for the fact that that takes over EVERYTHING while it's happening.
He passed less than three months later, but none of us have forgiven or forgotten, and will never see him again.
Another uncle, who was a major league a-hole heard about father's decline, and studiously avoided visiting us while he was ill. Another one I will never speak to again.